Financial Success After Divorce
5 Ways Smart Women Take Control
The day I watched that moving truck pull away with all my designer furniture, I was overwhelmed with shame. An entire truckload of expensive clothes, shoes, handbags, and accessories I’d spent thousands on was going to Lutheran Social Services. As I watched it disappear down the street, all I could think was how much I wished I had even a fraction of that money back in my savings account right now.
That was my wake-up call. But it doesn’t have to be yours.
Over my 25 years as a financial advisor collaborating primarily with women, I heard the same thing repeatedly: “I want to be happy and feel secure. I want to be self-sufficient and not afraid of the future. Right now, I can’t make it without his support, but I resent being tied to him through money.”
Being financially connected after divorce is a double-edged sword. The moving-on process is harder when you stay connected through custody, child support, and alimony. The divorce doesn’t end with the decree—it can drag on for years. So how do you get closure when you remain connected with kids and money? What’s the secret to regaining your confidence and independence?
My answer has always been this (and it’s not always easy to hear): The biggest challenge of divorce is that you must commit to being happy, or you commit to being RIGHT. The smartest clients I know consistently choose happiness, and this has been the major factor in rebuilding their lives. Here are the 5 actions and attitudes that successful women adopt, making all the difference in how they recover from divorce.
Wherever you are in the process, know that it’s never too late to start—start from right where you are
are.
1. No More “Poor Me” (After the First Year)
Smart women make the mental shift from victim to survivor to “thriver.” Then they make decisions and take actions to get them there. The women who do worst stay stuck in “it’s too hard, I’m overwhelmed, I wish it would all just go away.” The attitude you adopt is a choice. Realizing you can choose differently is the key first step.
The most difficult but crucial step is putting a statute of limitations on feeling sorry for yourself, even if you’re still in conflict with your ex. In the first year, it’s normal to experience loss and grief. You’ll cry and vent to family and friends about every detail that sticks in your craw. After that first year, though—even when you still feel like a festering wound—you need to make a deliberate mental shift away from seeing yourself as a victim.
No matter what your ex is doing or not doing, you don’t want to wear the pain of your divorce like an ID tag. That’s not healthy for your healing, and you’ll wear your family and friends out in the process. If they’re avoiding you now, it’s time to make the shift.
Your negative feelings won’t magically disappear when you make this decision, and this isn’t a one-time mindset shift. Grief, sadness, anger, they’ll roll over you just when you think you’re on top of it. This is completely normal, and there’s nothing to be ashamed of if you need extra help. I recommend finding a skilled divorce counselor. It can help you strengthen your resolve and improve your mental health. If your doctor has recommended medication, follow their advice—but consider adding counseling to your support system.
I followed my own advice during my divorce, and now that I’m solidly moved on and happily remarried, I still don’t hesitate to see my counselor when I need a tune-up. You might also find comfort in a local divorce support group or a program through your church or synagogue. If addiction played any part in your decision to divorce, I highly recommend Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. There are chapters in every city, and these programs are lifesavers when you’re recovering from the double whammy of divorce and addiction.
Your friends will be a great source of comfort and support, but remember: don’t wear them out. Don’t contact them only as a sounding board for self-pity. Take them to lunch and talk about what’s going on in THEIR life. They’ll appreciate it, and you’ll feel better yourself.
One important thing: if you’re spending time with a friend (divorced or not) who spends their time bashing men—saying things like “All men are garbage” or “You should take him for everything he’s got”—that relationship is keeping you stuck in anger. You have to be vigilant about the company you keep. Choose people who are forward-thinking, who see the bright spot in everything, who have a lighthearted sense of humor about life. Toxic people are the biggest threat to your healthy mindset.
Spend your time meeting new women in your area or even online who you’d look up to as role models, who move through life with strength and wisdom. Someone said, “We are the culmination of the 5 people we spend the most time with,” so choose wisely.
One of my clients had a great technique: “I developed the discipline to give my ‘victim’ feelings an end date. I’d say to myself, ‘Tonight I will feel sad as much as I want, but tomorrow, it’s back to business.'”
The hidden benefit? You’ll be modeling for your children exactly what to do when facing life’s challenges. That’s the golden nugget.
2. Tell the Truth to Yourself About the Economic Reality of Divorce
The smartest women face a reduced lifestyle after divorce squarely, without denial. They make it a clear priority to scale down their lifestyle, put a smart plan in place, and follow it. They don’t see their ex as a long-term financial solution, nor do they see another man as a financial savior.
My own mother did that when my dad left her. She didn’t see any other option for survival, so she married a man she didn’t really love for financial security. My brother and I paid the price in misery.
Unless you’re wealthy now, your net worth will decline as a result of divorce. This is simple math: the household that previously ran on two incomes now runs on one. Today, women still have less earning power and less in their retirement savings, due to frequent interruptions to their careers to have children. These are economic realities, but not obstacles to your happiness or success. Smart women deal with these issues in three ways:
• They accept a reduced lifestyle and find joy in other things—being with their kids, volunteering at their school, being thankful for the job they have, even if it doesn’t pay as well as one with less flexibility.
• They make a conscious decision to increase their own income: getting a better job, increasing their hours, getting additional training, or starting a side business.
• They get creative—finding ways to generate income through flexible work, freelancing, or turning hobbies into side income streams that fit around their kids’ schedules.
Any of these choices will lead to greater peace of mind and more confidence in yourself.
3. Develop a 10-Year Financial Plan
Smart women take charge before, during, and after divorce. They hire a competent financial planner, a good CPA, and an estate attorney. You don’t have to do this alone—the post-divorce planning process should be a team approach. You’ll review your entire financial picture, map out your spending plan, and set goals for the next 10 years. This process feels daunting at first, but I promise it will be one of the most confidence-inspiring and empowering steps you’ll ever take.
One hot tip on finding a good financial planner: find someone who gives you the option of charging an hourly rate or a fee for managing assets. Have a candid discussion with your planner about what they do exactly and how they get paid. They work for you. Let them know exactly how you want to be helped and what your expectations are. Be prepared to pay them a fair price for the service.
Divorce may be the first time you’ve managed the family finances and planned for them. Here’s a little secret I learned over 25 years in my practice: although most men in the marriage grabbed the reins of the family finances, at the end of the day, they did (in most cases) an EXTREMELY poor job. Men grab this because they think they’re supposed to, but most don’t know much about a successful financial plan unless they’ve also collaborated with a team of professionals. The women who took the reins and surrounded themselves with skilled professionals ended up, in many cases, better off than they were in marriage.
The first step is educating yourself about finance. You can find good books on Amazon, at the public library, at a local seminar, or online. Look for reputable financial education programs in your community. Many community colleges offer free or low-cost classes on budgeting and debt management. There are other resources if you need something different, so do your research—you’re sure to find something that gives you a track to run on.
Facing your economic reality is a wake-up call for most women. One of my clients said after a planning meeting: “I very quickly saw that how I was looking at my finances after divorce was much too narrow. I hadn’t factored in so many things I needed to plan for. It was through this process and discipline that I finally got out of debt, added additional income, and met my long-term goals of helping my kids in college and planning for my own retirement. What is the best part of the complete process? Once I could see the plan and take the steps to implement it, my fear went away, and I knew I would be okay. That alone was worth many times what I paid my planner.”
4. My New Mantra: “I Cannot Change My Ex.”
This wisdom comes from the Serenity Prayer that precedes every Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon meeting worldwide, every day. In my opinion, one of the wisest concepts ever penned. Smart women recognize they cannot change their ex. They pick their battles and let go of issues that aren’t important or that they can’t control. They accept with grace and courage the unpleasantness that can come with shared custody or ongoing financial discussions, knowing this is just the reality of divorce.
Shared custody can be frustrating. Chores, bedtimes, schoolwork—the list is an endless source of conflict. Is he inconsiderate and a jackass? Yep. Is it worth your peace of mind to agitate over it? No. Unless he’s engaging in highly irresponsible, dangerous, or abusive behavior, set these battles aside.
Smart women are also not doormats. There are times you must pull up your big girl panties and confront an issue. Sometimes legal action is required. Be sure the behavior is serious enough that you might prevail in legal action or that it would result in positive change. Then choose to let go of everything else.
Here’s how I put this into practice in my own divorce: I pictured myself with a hula hoop around my waist. What was inside the hula hoop (next to my body) was everything I had control over or could decide. Everything outside the hula hoop was not mine.
Here’s what this looked like in real life: When my ex showed up 30 minutes late for pickup again, my old self would’ve sent angry texts all evening and stewed about it for days. Instead, I asked myself: “Is his lateness inside my hula hoop?” No. I used those 30 minutes to call a friend I’d been meaning to catch up with. Outside my hula hoop = not my problem. I still use this tactic. It has saved my sanity.
5. Focus on the Future, Commit to Your Own Growth, and Learn to Be Your Own Best Friend
Smart women channel their efforts and energy into carefully examining their lives, goals, and mistakes, and commit to learning from the past. Instead of jumping right into another relationship or spending endless hours complaining about how bad their ex was, they focus on their own issues. They’re willing to redefine their priorities and discover what’s most important to them. They grow up and grow on as they fully embrace who they are beyond their role as mother or wife.
We’ve been there ourselves, and we know others who have “lost themselves in marriage.” For many women, marriage means their identity is tied to being a wife or mother early on. When the marriage ends, and these roles no longer apply or have changed, she may feel empty and unsure of who she is. This is a key reason divorce can feel like a real crisis.
The most intelligent women I’ve known use the divorce process as an opportunity for significant personal growth and maturity. They take inventory of their lives (including their mistakes) and devote time and energy to discovering who they are and what they want for the future. This process isn’t always easy and takes time, patience, and dedication, but ultimately, these women put the divorce behind them. They emerge smarter and wiser, full of insight, compassion, and fortitude. They go on to be centered, stable, self-confident, capable women who find a new happiness to replace what they thought they’d lost. In fact, when I asked divorced women if they could turn back the clock and stay married, the answer was a heartfelt, genuine “NO”—they would never go back, even with all the known challenges.
It can be hard to believe you’ll ever be happy and confident again, but I assure you that you will. Stick with it, prepare to grow, plan carefully, and you’ll look back and say, “Wow…look at this amazing woman I have become.” Here’s the hidden gift that divorce gives: you’ll excavate your courage, strength, wisdom, and compassion through this process. And no one will be able to take those hard-won personal gifts away from you ever again.
In Closing
These five steps aren’t just theory—they’re the distilled wisdom from decades of collaborating with women who’ve successfully rebuilt their lives after divorce. The journey won’t always be easy, but it will be worth it. You deserve to thrive, not just survive.
Remember: choosing happiness over being right, facing your economic reality with courage, planning strategically, letting go of what you can’t control, and committing to your own growth—these aren’t just financial strategies. They are life strategies. And they work.
I know because I’ve been where you are. Sitting in that empty apartment in Oregon, crying myself to sleep every night for a year. Watching that moving truck drive away with everything I’d accumulated. Facing a stack of unpaid bills. If someone had told me then that I’d end up happily remarried, financially independent, and GRATEFUL for my divorce, I would’ve laughed through my tears.
But here I am. Financially secure. In a loving relationship. With work I’m passionate about. With the freedom to make choices based on what I want, not what I can afford. And the best part? The strength, wisdom, and confidence I gained through that journey can never be taken away.
You’ll get here too. I’ve seen hundreds of women transform their lives by following these principles. Women who started out feeling broken and afraid, who ended up financially independent, emotionally whole, and genuinely happy. You can be one of them.
Start today. Start exactly where you are. Your future self will thank you.
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